The Real Boyfriends of Ikebukuro
by ChidoriQueen
Summary: When our Durarara cast is forced to star in the latest trashy television program...let's just say shit and complete stupidity/gayness goes down. Crackfic. Rated T for some language and sexual themes.
1. The Gods of the Fourth Wall

The narrator cleared his throat, took a swig of water from a water bottle, before speaking in a dramatic voice, "In the district of Ikebukuro, there is more than meets the eye."

The producers played a sequence of suspenseful music, planning to edit in pictures of everyday life in the city once the episode finally aired. The Real Housewives/Husbands/Cats/Unicorns franchise had run out of interesting places to go to make their trashy television programs, so they reluctantly traveled to Ikebukuro in favor of going to Nova Scotia or Cuba.

There wasn't many things that they could film about in Ikebukuro, except the undeniable gayness and stupidity that went on around the city. The producers and script writers looked the city up and down for all sorts of drama, before giving and deciding to find volunteers that perhaps would be interested in helping their cause.

The narrator continued. "Questions about Dullahan biology, forbidden love between male rivals, teenage best friends struggling to confess their affections towards each other, and financial troubles for young couples are barely half of the drama that goes on in this famous city.

"No, it's not. It's pretty much all we could find in such a boring place," a particularly outspoken and insolent employee whispered to the woman beside him, before being hushed hurriedly.

"In our dramatic saga, we meet the couples of Ikebukuro and follow their journeys in amending their personal problems, watching as they undergo severe emotional stress and pressure."

"Okay, stop recording," the director announced through his megaphone, fairly confident that they were ready to take on Ikebukuro.

They had hired a Japanese-English translator to translate the script in Japanese, and to write subtitles for their eager American viewers. They also hired bodyguards to prevent some Japanese psycho from murdering everyone in their staff, and had purchased kittens and lollipops to pacify their actors if a bizarre situation came up.

Not to mention all of the workers were armed with tranquilizer guns. And tasers.

Everyone insisted that you couldn't go wrong with a taser.

"So, where are we going now?" the curious employee asked.

A camera-man glanced down at the clipboard. "The residence of Shinra Kishitani and Celty Sturluson."

"What's so special about the two of them?"

"The chick's an urban legend, and the dude is her boyfriend."

"An urban legend? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Rumor has it that she's a headless demon from Ireland, and that she rides around on her motorcycle all day searching far and wide for her missing head."

"Headless demon? Um...what drug are you on?

"Cocaine, but that's not the point. But the situation is dramatic, right? Something desperate, single whores would like, right?"

"Depends on your definition of desperate whore-"

"Like...the dumb girl that's writing this and giving us stupid lines to say because she doesn't have a life and should be doing productive things like studying and doing homework."

"Shh, you _idiot!_ YOU'RE DISHONORING THE GODS OF THE FOURTH WALL!"


	2. Even When I'm Getting Undressed

Celty and Shinra were awkwardly sitting on their couch as the cameramen and producers walked into their apartment, positioning their equipment in the couple's humble residence.

"So, erm, we just follow the script?" the young doctor said nervously, glancing at his girlfriend for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"Positive," the producer waved his hand airily, removing the cigarette from his mouth. "Alright, guys...action!"

"So, Celty...um...I was wondering," Shinra managed to choke out, fighting down hysterical laughter at the thought of how Celty would react. "I was wondering...um...would it be possible for you and I to have kids?"

She was definitely going to strangle him later for getting her into this. But the lure of getting a couple of extra bucks from the producers was too tempting, since she hadn't been getting many transportation jobs after Izaya mysteriously disappeared and stopped sending her on trips.

_'Shinra...it doesn't work that way. Humans and Irish mythological creatures can't possibly have children together. I'm so sorry. There will come a day when you will die and I will continue living in this hell we call...life?'_

The question mark was entirely involuntary.

"Damn, that's kind of depressing," the employee grumbled, sipping his cup of coffee. "Remind me, what nutjob wrote this script again?"

"Our desperate slut of an author! Didn't I say that already?"

"You didn't have to be so mean about it, Celty. I am fully aware of how I will perish before you, and we will no longer be able to live together in our beloved Ikebukuro anymore, but I can survive in your heart through children."

_'But it's biologically impossible!'_

"Ugh, woman are so difficult these days. You don't want kids because of looks and freedom and attention and other crap like that. I thought you were better than that, Celty! I am so through with your unsatisfactory behavior! We're over!" Shinra yelled as angrily as possible (which didn't really work), jumping to his feet before stomping theatrically to the door, opening it and slamming it shut.

There was an awkward pause.

"Are you sure that that's not too out of character?" Shinra peeked his head in for a moment, whispering to the producers. They gave him an encouraging thumbs-up, nodding feverently as they finished filming.

"Thank you very much, Kishitani-san," the director bowed respectfully to the doctor, before signallng for his employees to gather up their equipment and to exit the apartment. "We'll review the clip, and if necessary, we'll come back to film again. You should get a check in the mail in a couple of days. Again, thank you for your cooperation."

The couple didn't say anything as the producers exited the apartment in single file, allowing a few moments to pass by even after the door was finally closed.

_'SHINRA. I'LL MURDER YOU FOR THAT.'_

"Hey- ouch! Celty, don't be so mean," Shinra whined playfully, rubbing his already-red cheek and wincing. "You said you needed another job, and this was our only option! I thought that it wouldn't be so bad!"

_'Sure. That was almost too embarrassing for me to handle.'_

"I thought you were adorable, Celty. I didn't think that it was so bad. I actually thought that you'd might enjoy it!"

_'Remind me never to ask you for help ever again.'_

"Even when you're getting undressed- OW!"


	3. The Shattered Windows

"Damn you, Tom," Shizuo grumbled under his breath, sitting in the waiting room of the set and resisting the urge to take out a cigarette. Damn these stupid moral reform laws. He really could use a smoke at the moment.

His employer had decided to visit his cousin in California for a couple of weeks, leaving his bodyguard with two weeks off as well. But that meant two weeks of not getting paid. And that meant not paying his apartment rent on time and getting evicted.

Besides, no one else would hire the infamous Shizuo Heiwajima for a job, since he'd built up quite a reputation in the time when he'd been constantly been getting fired. The only people who accepted his request for a job in the newspaper were some idiots from some reality television company. Shizuo had never acted in his life, but he supposed that he'd been changing careers so often that this wouldn't really hurt. Besides, it was only temporary. How hard would it be, working as an actor for a bit and then continuing his duties as a bodyguard?

He had read over his script, and quite frankly, it was ridiculous. Shizuo had realized that everything on "reality" television was fake, but he didn't know how scripted and phony it actually was. It basically involved him being in love with some guy that was supposed to be his rival, and their relationship being forbidden and a secret. The idea didn't appeal to him in the least, but he really couldn't back out now.

Shizuo wondered who his "lover" would be, and hoped that Izaya didn't watch TV too often to see him acting on reality television. That would definitely make him lose it.

"Oh,_ hello_, Shizu-chan~"

A horrifyingly familiar voice called out mockingly. Shizuo could hardly believe his ears, his eyes widening as he felt the cushions beside him sink slightly.

"You...you...IZAYAAAAA!"

His brown eyes met crimson, and he struggled to repress his anger and desire to tear the room and Izaya's stupid little face into little ribbons. Of course, he would probably get sued by the company and he'd be in an even worse financial shape. But...it was so tempting. The flea was so vulnerable...

Shizuo gritted his teeth, hurriedly pulling out his lighter and a cigarette despite the sign hanging up on the wall, "Celty told me that you were out of town and that she hadn't seen you in a while. So why the hell are you here?"

"Oh, I heard that you had taken an acting job," Izaya smirked, pulling out his switchblade and flicking it open, watching in amusment as it caught the light. "And needed someone else to help you with your act. So I had no_ choice_ but to volunteer."

"You little...how the hell did you find out about this?

"'m an information broker after all- do you think there's something I don't know about Ikebukuro? This opportunity to see my adorable little Shizu-chan all lovey-dovey was far too delicious to resist~"

"I'M GONNA RIP YOU TO SHREDS, YOU-"

"Heiwajima-san, we'd like to ask you to put that chair down. And you know about the no-smoking inside rules."

"Why did you hire him in the first place? You really should do some research on the wackos you hire," the employee muttered, earning himself another couple of icy glares.

"So, chop chop everyone!" a female producer in a pantsuit clapped her hands, giving a rather forced grin at everyone as she tapped her fingers on a clipboard. Although she hid it rather well, she was very agitated that morning, short on her daily need of caffeine. "Start filming!"

Shizuo inhaled sharply, throwing his cigarette into a waste basket before muttering under his breath, trying not to throw up, "I-Izaya..."

Said information broker gave his rival a sweet smile, leaning forward with his cheek resting on his hand, "Yes, Shizu-chan? What is it? I didn't quite catch that."

"It's...such a pity that our love isn't allowed in such an anti-homosexual environment. I wish that our relationship could be public, so we don't look like single losers on Facebook. I'm so in love with you. Your perfect, smooth skin, your silky, sexy voice-"

Shizuo almost choked at the triumphant look on Izaya's face, trying to cool the heated blush that was rising on his face, "Um...and...you're just an incredibly sexy man, and it's just so touching that you love me back. I wish that our love wasn't so doomed to die a fiery, painful death."

"But our love will be a phoenix rising from the ashes!" Izaya piped up, improvising wildly after very little itme studying the script. "And we shall be victorious against all of those haters! Love conquers all!"

"Yes...I-Izaya-chan...OH, FUCK THIS, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

"Heiwajima-san, calm down...no, please don't pick up that couch, it's expensive and we just had it reupholstered...NO, NOT THE CAMERA, PUT THE CAMERA DOWN, HEIWAJIMA-SAN!"

"IZZAAYYYAAAAAAA~" Shizuo reared his head in anger as his nimble nemesis smirked at him, before opening the window and jumping out, landing cleanly on the asphalt before breaking into a sprint.

The bartender suit-donning man let out a roar, before dropping the couch and running towards the window, severely frustrated. Disregarding his previous concern of a lawsuit, and angry that the window couldn't possibly allow him to slip through, he merely jumped, shattering the glass and sending shrapnel flying all directions.

The producer face-palmed, gingerly pushing the couch back to where it belonged, before saying in a dangerously-low voice, "Whose idea was it to hire him again?"


	4. Two Octaves

After buying a new camera, the producers flocked to the next place of residence where they were going to film, deciding the abandon the whole "male rivalry on the outside, but secretly in love" act. The two teenage boys were playing race-car games inside Masaomi's apartment, despite the fact that they were supposed to be doing their homework.

"Ah, hello!" Masaomi called jovially, his mouth stuffed with potato chips as he waved the producers inside. "Nice to meet you guys!"

"Um, Masaomi? Who are these people?" Mikado glanced nervously at them, loosing focus for a moment and causing his car to drive off of a cliff. "Do you know them?"

"Oh, that's right, I forgot to tell you!" his blonde friend feigned realization, grinning from ear-to-ear. "These wonderful people are reality TV producers, and we're starring in their new reality program!"

"R-reality television?" the shy boy stuttered in disbelief, eyes flickering to the cameras and crowd of people. "Well, you never told me about this-"

"Mikado, Mikado, that would only take away the fun~" Masaomi called out in a singsong voice. "Since I forgot to give you the script, you're going to just have to wing it. But I'm sure you'll do great, all we really have to do is flirt with each other-"

"_Flirt_ with each other? Masaomi, you should have asked me about this-"

"It's too late! These guys are already here, so no backing out! Come on, buddy, don't look so upset! It'll be easy! We're just bros that secretly like each other! Just say something perverted and tell a sex joke, it's no big deal-"

"Being perverted is _your_ job. I-I can't do something like this-"

"Ready Kida-san? Ryugamine-san? Action!"

"Video games are so much fun!" Masaomi began in a peppy, overly-cheerful voice, flashing his pearly white teeth. "Right, Mikado-kun?"

"Um...yeah, Masaomi-kun. Hehe...so much fun. I...erm...love spending time with you-?"

"Remember the time that Anri flirted with you at school-?"

"But she never has, it's always you who's flirting with her-"

"Hush, Mikado-kun. You're ruining the moment. Anyways...all I wanted to say is that I felt...jealous. And I knew that at that moment, I didn't want to lose your friendship to some girl. I want us to be friends forever, and even something more..."

"Um, really?" Mikado's voice shot up at least one octave, before he blushed feverently. "Something more?"

"What I'm trying to say is...I really like you, Mikado. And I've always wanted to tell you that."

The particularly sentimental BL fangirl producer shed a tear at that line, repressing sobs of anguish. Young teenagers struggling to admit their feelings towards each other, especially adorable boys, was her weakness.

"Cut! Excellent job, you two. Thanks for your help."

The director sighed in relief, grateful that one his plans had somewhat worked out.

But he didn't have much hope for the future of his new television show.


	5. Is Elfen Lied Ethical

"Okay...Erika Karisawa and Walker Yumasaki, the crazy otaku couple."

"Crazy otaku couple? What kind of drama does _that_ involve?"

"According to the script...they have financial problems of some sort."

"Shouldn't otakus be arguing about breaking the fourth wall and MPreg?"

"There is no 'should' in this TV show. _Everything_ is screwed up-"

"You mean fanfic. The author has a screwed-up mind filled with lemons, yaoi, and-"

"Shut the hell up!"

The parade of producers and cameramen finally located Erika and Walker inside the manga store, playing with Spice and Wolf action figures while debating about whether Elfen Lied was an ethical anime or not.

"Are you serious, Erika? Do you not see all of that nudity, gore, and sexual tension-"

"That's what makes Elfen Lied an awesome show, Walker! Plus you forgot about Bando's constant swearing; gosh, he's my favorite character-"

"The rest of them are bad characters, though-"

"Excuse me? Karisawa-san? Yumasaki-san?" the producer tapped Erika on the shoulder gaining their attention. "We're from The Real Boyfriends of Ikebukuro. The reality show you signed up for?"

"Um...oh, right! Don't you remember, Walker? We agreed to their offer when Kadota dared us while we were drunk at Russia Sushi!" Erika nodded enthusiastically, hazel eyes gleaming.

"Hehe, right...well, _that_ was a mistake," Walker laughed sheepishly, watching as the producers exchanged nervous glances. How could their recruiters not have known that the couple was drunk? The director supposed that they were too desperate to really care about what wackos got their acting jobs.

"So do you two know your lines?"

The two exchanged a look. "Well...no."

"Okay, you're just a couple that's struggling financially, and you're thinking of breaking up. How does that sound? Do you think that you could maybe wing it?" the director pleaded desperately, praying to god of muffins for help.

"Hm...sure. We can do it, Walker!" Erika snapped her fingers, before waving a hand over her face and trying to put on a serious face.

"Ready...action!"

Walker screwed up his face in concentration while thinking for a moment, before yelling, "How could you possibly spend so much money on your Ryuk cosplay? Couldn't you have cosplayed as L or Light to save some money? I was uh...fired from my job as a fanfiction writer and we can't afford much-"

Erika pouted, before giving Walker a weak slap on his face for dramatic effect. "But that's not the _same_! Cosplaying as Ryuk is way better! It's cheaper than cosplaying as Misa! God, I hate gothic-lolitas-"

"Why do you have such a big problem with Misa?"

"Why do you have a problem with Ryuk x Light?"

The director face-palmed as the conversation became less about financial issues and more about the ethics of slash pairings.

"If someone caught them making out, all they would see is Light making out with air. And Ryuk's only staying with Light for his own personal entertainment, he doesn't feel anything for Light. In fact, he was probably planning out Light's death from the very beginning-"

"Exactly! It's love-hate BL! Just like Shizuo and Izaya-"

"Why do you have to drag the two of them into all of our conversations?"

"Because it's the perfect ship! That's why."

"Male rivalry doesn't equal love! How many times do I have to explain that to you?"

"It so does! All you have to do is look harder. I'm sure they secretly think that the other is hot!"

"What? You-"

"CUT!"

The director sighed, having had enough of their antics and shenanigans that were dreamed up in ChidoriQueen's spare time when she was supposed to be doing productive things, and were inspired by conversations with her even more insane friend/unicorn/muffin/yaoi fangirl.


	6. The Cake is a Lie

Anri sighed as she sat at a doodled-on school desk, rereading the writing in permanent marker that said "ChidoriQueen is a faggot", and "He ain't called cockashi for nothing I'll tell you that much!"

Because she had been failing history class as a result of her joining a prostitute institution (we all knew she was a whore, anyways), Nasujima offered to give her extra credit if she whined in front of a camera with him for The Real Boyfriends of Ikebukuro. She grudgingly agreed, but she still would have preferred murdering some fangirls or proving that the avocados were actually turtles in disguise.

The camera-crew stormed the once-deserted classroom, positioning their equipment.

Nasujima twirled into the room in his Fluttershy cosplay. "Hello, Anri!"

"Here comes the man-slut," she muttered under her breath.

"Oh, bitch please, you're talking about Alois Trancy!"

"Never mention that name to me ever again. No one liked the second season of Black Butler, anyways."

Nasujima shot a brilliant smile at the producers, before running up to the chalkboard in the front of the classroom and doing the Spinzaku. "Ready when you are, dumbfucks!"

The whole crew had to facepalm at his failed fusion of insults as they started filming the madness that was about to ensue. Anri merely sighed, before reluctantly getting out of her seat and standing in front of Nasujima. She peeked at her hand, where she had scribbled her lines, before saying in a montone, "Okay, Professor. Let's rehearse that Romeo and Juliet scene."

"With pleasure, Anri!" Nasujima said pompously, clearing his throat and waving his magical fairy wand. " If I profane with my unworthiest hand/This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:/My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand/To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

Anri sighed, looking down at her nails, before saying in a loud, bored voice, "This play is just stupid. You want to kiss me already? I haven't even said anything to you. Is this some immature form of love? God, Romeo, get a quacking backbone-"

"Of course, Juliet, I know you want to kiss me!" Nasujima covered up hurriedly, forcing a tight-lipped smile. "Now, what is it that you have to say to me next?"

Anri looked down at her hand, where she had scribbled some of her lines. She squinted to read her handwriting, before saying, "Erm...Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much...wait...good pilgrim? /Which mannerly devotion shows in this/For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch/And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?" Nasujima posed, and a conveniently-placed radio played dramatic music as he magically peeled an avocado.

Fortunately, before Anri could continue with her lines, Haruna smashed the window open, brandishing a flaming rake. She was dressed in a penguin costume, and she grinned evilly as she shouted, "THE CAKE IS A LIE."

Nasujima whimpered in horror as the penguin began to chase him around the room, making more and more meme references that made him want to jump off a cliff and/or become a prostitute.

Anri, thanking God for her fortune, jumped out of the window and went to rape her two boyfriends.

XXX

A/N:

In case you bros were confused, the "cockashi" line comes from a hilariously awful Naruto fanfiction called "False Love", by a kawaii desu author by the name of SasukeLuvr on Wattpad. I dare you all to read it. XD


	7. Spiritual Awakenings

"Alright, last stop," the director announced, checking something off on his clipboard before handing it to his assistant. "Stalker Mika Harima and Seiji Yagiri. Who I am told has a serious head complex. And a BL-loving incestuous sister who spends her time playing eroge and sympathizing with Kirino Kousaka. I mean, seriously, who likes that bitch anyways-"

"I ship Kyousuke with Kuroneko," someone piped up, flipping through a MadoHomu doujinshi and admiring the sheer beauty of Madoka's loli ass.

"Don't get aHEAD of yourself," the assistant warned, before being slapped for making yet another crappy head joke.

"Can we stop making bad anime references and just get on with the plot?"

Silence. A cricket chirped because it was mandatory.

"There was a plot?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Hello?" A boy wearing an "I'm a Celty Sturluson fanboy" t-shirt tapped the director on the shoulder, a girl who was obviously a lesbian on his arm. "Are you guys from The Real Boyfriends of Ikebukuro?"

"And I take it that you're Yagiri and Harima-san?"

"Yes. And I give you the rights to my body."

"...let's begin filming then."

Seiji posed dramatically, ripping off his shirt and screaming to the heavens, "I'm sorry! But we just can't be together, Mika-chan! You're simply not lesbian enough!"

"But why?" the girl sniffled, wiping her teary eyes on her sleeve. "But you said if I wrote KyoSaya smut, you'd love me forever, Seiji-kun!"

"I spent some time thinking about it last night." He looked away dramatically. "When I had a spiritual awakening and realized that I was gay for Edward Cullen."

"No!" she gasped, making a Nina face. "Seiji...don't leave me. I promise I'll make you dry-roasted kale puree with colorful mushroom powder every day!"

"As tempting as that sounds, you're a shitty cook and I hate you more than I hate Suzaku Kururugi." The boy shook his head sadly. "Which isn't much, to tell you the truth. I mean, look at his hair. And that ass."

After receiving a meaningful look from one of the producers, he cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is that...this is good-bye, Mika."

"Cut!" the director shouted through the megaphone, a migraine developing. "That was great, guys. Thanks for participating!"

Seiji blew a kiss at him, before putting his shirt back on and moon-walking away, Mika following him.

"Well, that was a disaster," he sighed, taking out his universe teleporter. "Okay, guys. That sucked balls because author-san is a lazy meanie-boo. The Real Boyfriends of Ikebukuro is officially worse of a failure than my attempt at doing the Hare Hare Yukai at my middle school talent show. OFF TO THE VOCALOID UNIVERSE!"

A flash of blue light transported the crew to the otherside of the otaku dimension, and Ikebukuro was at peace once again.


End file.
